Text: Paul Hofman
Photo: Remon van den Kommer
Video: Paradox Productions
Trans man Jason Bhugwandass (24): ‘Transition or death’
In an old neighbourhood café around the corner from Jason, we talk about his childhood, life, transition and studies. Together with BeyonG he is a pillar of support for the trans community. ‘My transition has been more than worth it. Finally I feel grounded.’ It’s a remarkable story in which he shares his deepest emotions. Without faltering he tells of the hard times his transition journey entailed. ‘From I went from woman to man. Now I feel properly grounded.’ He grows up in a broken home. His father is an alcoholic, his mother struggles to keep the household together amid the turmoil and pays little attention to him. Born as a girl, Jason never took to traditionally feminine things. Playing outside and roughhousing were everything to him.
Childhood
As a child he was often left to fend for himself. At thirteen Jason realised something was wrong. He couldn’t name it. But one thing was clear: he didn’t feel at home in his body. He didn’t dare talk about it. ‘I bottled everything up. Could I maybe be transgender? I tried to push that thought out of my head.’
‘The idea that the burden of being different would someday pass kept me literally going.’ He became difficult to handle and often had suicidal thoughts. Eventually he was placed in youth care. ‘Truly a “hell on earth”,’ Jason says softly. That is also why he and a few others started a petition called Het Vergeten Kind. The aim of the petition is to draw political attention to abuses in closed youth care. It was signed nearly 150,000 times. Recently he handed the petition to the State Secretary for Youth and Prevention. The story even made that day’s NOS news.
Transition
Two years ago his medical transition took place. ‘I dreaded it. But I couldn’t turn back. I was ready. I was as fragile as a toothpick.’
The road to that transition was far from smooth. Many conversations with psychologists and care providers preceded the operation. The moment he woke from anaesthesia is forever burned into his memory. With tears in his eyes Jason shows a clip on his phone of the first time he saw his operated chest. Across his upper body there is a large horizontal scar where the chest surgery took place. ‘It felt like coming home after a long journey. For days I didn’t want to cover my upper body, I wanted to share it with everyone. Man, I was so happy.’
Brake on life
As a trans man and lived-experience expert in care, Jason believes there should be much more attention to the specific needs of LGBTQ+ people with mental health issues. ‘I’m shocked by the high suicide risk. At the hospital’s gender clinic I experienced that the process to change sex is even harder and more rigid if you come from a background of care. That can put your whole life on hold.’ He received ten diagnoses; every psychologist who treated him stuck a different label on him. ‘It’s maddening.’ He sighs: ‘I have seen the dark side of life, especially of the youth care system.’
‘I ended up in closed youth care. It was the first care I received.’ His story of those terrible experiences with the care system was shown powerfully in a heartbreaking television documentary. It got many people talking.
Role model
He is a good example for others, Jason says without hesitation. ‘I’ve always taken strength from trans people who were a bit further along than me. Now that I’m at the end of my transition, I feel grounded. I’m close to myself. Two years ago the operation took place. The moment he woke from anaesthesia and saw the results is engraved in his memory. Proudly Jason shows the clip of those moments. The images still move him. Laughing: ‘In the first weeks I didn’t want to cover my upper body. Reconnecting with my body was healing. I wanted to share it with the whole world.’
Younger self
His schedule is now filling up fast. The Pride Amsterdam ambassadorship comes at a good moment. ‘I have always lifted myself up by imagining Jason of the future. Seeing how long and hard the road has been to sit here like this makes me very proud of the younger version of myself. I fought the fight myself.’ It defines him. ‘With all the difficulties, it was worth it.’
What does it mean now that you can finally be yourself? ‘I don’t think you can truly experience life if you’re not close to yourself. It opens the possibility to function to your full potential and pursue your wishes. If that can’t happen, it certainly creates resistance.’
More confident
‘What was once a heavy burden and a struggle with myself and my environment later helped me. It made me more confident, authentic and resilient. That’s what I hope to pass on as an ambassador to anyone in the same position.’
His new life smiles at Jason. He is now a second-year psychology student. As an ambassador Jason will give more than one hundred percent. ‘I didn’t fight for nothing. I have a right to be here.’
Pride ambassador since 2022
