Text: Paul Hofman
Photo: Remon van den Kommer
Video: Paradox Productions
Trans man Jason Bhugwandass (24): ‘Transition or death’
In an old neighbourhood café around the corner from Jason we talk about his childhood, life, transition and studies. Together with BeyonG he is a pillar of support for the trans community. ‘My transition has been more than worth it. Finally I feel grounded.’ It’s a remarkable story in which he shares deep emotions. Without hesitation he speaks about the difficult period his transition journey involved. ‘From I became a man. I am finally grounded.’ He grows up in a broken family. His father is an alcoholic; his mother does her best to keep the family together amid the turmoil and pays him little attention. Assigned female at birth, Jason never connected with typically “girlish” things. Playing outside and roughhousing were everything to him.
Childhood
As a child he was often left to fend for himself. At thirteen Jason realises something isn’t right. He cannot name it. But one thing is clear: he doesn’t feel at home in his body. He doesn’t dare talk about it. ‘I bottled everything up. Could I maybe be transgender? I tried to push that thought out of my head.’
‘The idea that the burden of being different would one day be over literally kept me going.’ He became difficult to manage and often had suicidal thoughts. Eventually he was placed in youth care. ‘Truly a “hell on earth”,’ Jason says softly. That’s also why he and others started a petition called Het Vergeten Kind (The Forgotten Child). The petition aims to bring the abuses in closed youth care to the attention of politicians. It was signed nearly 150,000 times. Recently he handed the petition to the State Secretary for Youth and Prevention. The story even made the NOS evening news that day.
Transition
His medical transition took place two years ago. ‘I dreaded it. But I couldn’t go back. I was ready. I was as fragile as a toothpick.’
The path to that transition was not smooth. Many conversations with psychologists and care providers preceded the surgery. The moment he woke from anaesthesia is forever etched on his retina. With tears in his eyes Jason shows the video on his phone of seeing his operated chest for the first time. On his torso there is a large horizontal scar at chest level. ‘It felt like coming home after a long journey. For days I didn’t want to cover my upper body; I wanted to share it with everyone. Man, I was so happy.’
Life on hold
As a trans man and as someone with lived experience of care, Jason believes there needs to be much more attention to the specific needs of LGBTQ+ people with mental health issues. ‘I’m shocked by the high suicide risk. At the hospital’s gender clinic I experienced that a gender care pathway is even harder and more rigid if you come from a background of care. That can put your whole life on hold.’ He received ten diagnoses; every psychologist who treated him gave him a different label. ‘It’s maddening.’ He sighs: ‘I’ve seen the dark side of life, and in particular of youth care.’
‘I ended up in closed youth care. It was the first care I received.’ His story and those terrible experiences with the care system were powerfully shown in a heart‑rending television documentary. It sparked widespread discussion.
Role model
He is a good example for others, Jason says without hesitation. ‘I’ve always taken strength from trans people who were further along than I was. Now that I’m at the end of my transition, I feel grounded. I’m close to myself. The operation took place two years ago. The moment he woke from anaesthesia and saw the result is imprinted on his mind. Proudly Jason shows the video of those moments. The footage still moves him. Laughing: ‘For the first weeks I didn’t want to cover my upper body. Reconnecting with my body was healing. I wanted to share it with the whole world.’
Younger self
His schedule is now filling up fast. The Pride Amsterdam ambassadorship comes at the right time. ‘I’ve always pulled myself up by imagining the future Jason. Looking at how long and hard the road was to get here, I’m very proud of the younger version of myself. I fought my own battles.’ It defines him. ‘With all the difficulties, it was worth it.’
What does it mean now that you can finally be yourself? ‘I don’t think you can really experience life if you’re not close to yourself. It opens the possibility to function toward your full potential and desires. If that can’t happen, it certainly leads to resistance.’
More confident
‘What was once a great burden and a struggle with myself and my environment has later helped me. It has made me more confident, authentic and resilient. As an ambassador I hope to pass that on to anyone in the same position.’
Jason’s new life is smiling at him. He is now a second‑year psychology student. As an ambassador Jason will give more than one hundred percent. ‘I didn’t fight for nothing. I’m allowed to be here.’
Pride ambassador since 2022
